I love to talk. Nothing fuels me more than a good sit-down with a friend or a client. Just call me Linda Richman, with a deep and abiding love for a quality personal chat. We gain so much from these conversations with the people we care about. It’s a sweet reminder that connection is something that grounds us and brings us together.
Connecting In Personal Chat
In deep conversation, we tend to A) process experience by talking through it, and B) do the same for the other person. I probably don’t have to tell you this, but there is a HUGE gap between listening to hear and listening to reply. We all know that words matter. Even the intonation of a phrase can change its meaning.
I mentioned above that I’m a big talker. This was true for me way before I made personal and professional coaching my living. I was drawn to the power of a deep connection. There is such catharsis in a good personal chat! Give me an hour with a prospective client, and not only will I have a far better understanding of who they are, but I’ll also know if I can help or not.
If you’ve read to this point, I’m going to make a guess: you’ve just realized how long it’s been since you had a great, fulfilling, CONNECTED conversation. I’m not talking about a situation where you just bitched angrily. I’m talking about an exchange where you discussed your feelings and were validated in return. This really doesn’t happen much for any of us these days! Here are 5 steps for connecting in conversation and getting something out of it.
How to Connect in Conversation:
Mirror Your Partner
Mirroring body language OR verbal style is a powerful way to demonstrate that you are engaged and paying attention. If one person is talking rapidly with wild gestures while the other sits back and drawls, it will be harder for the two of them to understand each other. Psychologists recommend focusing on three things: average utterance length. pace of delivery, and focus on facts or feelings. This will help you to connect with your dialogue partner.
Really Listen
Follow up to stories with a question, a suggestion, or simply react. So often when we talk, we are seeking validation for our feelings. Knowing the other person is listening closely is reassuring.
Connect With Their Emotions
It helps to remember that behind anything shared with you, there is also an emotion. Sadness, hope, anxiety . . . connecting with those feelings helps you to understand where the other person is coming from. Listening well and understanding the emotions behind what the other person is sharing will pay dividends in helping the two of you to find common ground.
Balance Listening and Talking
Don’t tip the scales too much one way or another, so that you get plenty of time to do both. This means that you’re going into the conversation with enough energy to do both adequately; if you don’t, say so! Active listening takes effort just as talking does. Read more here about the power of connected conversations.
Find Common Ground
If you’re chatting with a new friend or reconnecting with someone, it helps to identify mutual interests. This builds trust between the two of you. A coworker who you initially dislike may share your love of skiing or traveling. The doctor you’re seeing this afternoon for the first time may also have two small children and can chuckle about the rigors of parenting. Making these sincere attempts to discover what the two of you share will get your talk moving!
We are all so busy. Many of us THINK that we’re connecting in conversations online. The internet is great — don’t misunderstand me — but it doesn’t fulfill like a real-life 1:1 interaction.
The awesome thing about my job is that with every single client, our relationship begins with a simple connection. Yes, I’m trained in different modalities, like NLP, hypnosis, and talk therapy, but the first thing we’re going to do is talk. I celebrate the joy in connection because that works and looks different for every single one of you. That’s what makes it FUN.
